I'm sorry

That's one thing that I seem to have to say a lot lately and that's despite having been down that road so many times.

I'm sorry that I am Carly.

Fuck - it's not like I woke up one day and decided that that it would be fun to throw away 49 years of life to try to become female -hell no, that's a decision that was made internally when something went badly wrong with the connection between my neurons and genitals.

I'm sorry. I did not mean to hurt anyone.

Of course people are hurt and all I can do is be honestly sorry that things turned out this way - it's not like I had a choice so let me apologize and then please stop beating me up with it. You want me to have a choice? Okay - it was Carly or die. How's that for a choice? Are you happy now or have I made the wrong choice again?

I did nothing wong - why is the world punishing me...

I need to go to sleep but it won't come to me.