The magic pills

One of the many questions that my gatekeeper shrink asked me seemed to be a no brainer - a question with a very obvious answer...

If there was a pill that would transform you into a female, would you take it?

My answer was yes, and if he asked me today the answer would still be yes - the reasoning behind the answer would be different and much more in depth though.

A bit of background information here for those of you who are not familiar with gatekeepers - they are the health care professionals who control my access to hormones and surgery. They are not, however, supportive helpers in the transition process.

Back to my answer. I originally said yes and I honestly meant it. My life was full of turmoil, self-doubt and pain - give me a pill to take it all away, a pill to transform me into who I need and want to be, a pill to correct a horrible imbalance in my life.

If my shrink or GP or endo asked me today I would ask for two of the pills, just in case the first one did not work. The reasons that I would ask for the pill has changed somewhat - it's not because I am miserable with who I am, it's more to do with the intermediate stage in my life where people around me are going to be questioning themselves and me. I want a pill that will make the process complete so everyone can carry on with a life where I am Carly.

As much as I want that pill it would be a double edged sword - I would miss the opportunity to develop as a person, I'd miss the opportunity to say goodbye to the person I was and I'd miss at least a few self imposed gatekeeper reality checks. Hey... doesn't  that contradict wanting the magic pill?

Maybe it does - maybe it's a realization that as much as I would love to be able to instantly transform into Carly, it might be a damn good thing that I can't and have to pass a few hurdles, satisfy the gatekeepers and be very certain that this is the right path for me to take.

More later - for now I'm quite satisfied and happy that I get my hormones - they are magic pills.

Carly