Ghosts and goblins

I somehow managed to make it home after my weekend in Uclulet - I'm serious about the managed part as I was so emotional and down on Saturday evening that I could not stop crying and I was seriously considering checking into the hospital in Tofino.

It was bad.

I have a lot of emotional baggage and ghosts that I need to deal with - much of it is related to having brought J to the PACRIM many times - it was the gift of a loving boyfriend and I saw her and heard her in the rain everywhere that I looked. Each step on the beach was a painful reminder of what I have lost, what I have done to her and the horrible cost that I am paying to become a whole and hopefully happy person.

Everything that I saw was compared to 'that's not the way it was' when 'we were there'. I cried and desparately wanted her to be there, desparately wanted to be able to call her and tell her that I miss her, that I love her, t that I want het to erase all memories of the boy and replace them with the girl. 

Pretty fucking selfish of me.

This is where we stayed, where we ate, where we walked and laughed and stood in awe as we shared the beauty of the scenery. This is where she laid in my arms as she slept.

Today again I hate myself and am in a dangerous emotional state. I should let it go? I should not feel guilt? It's not my fault? Nice Hallmark thoughts but they just are not working for me as I feel so fucking bad about this and what it has done to her...

My ghosts on the beach. My tears on the beach.

I lit candles on the same beach... Not for me, not for her.

My son was with me and he could not figure out why Dad was crying so much - his dad's last hurrah at being his dad, being the father figure, one of my last chances to provide him with a set of memories that he might be able to hold onto in rough times. His dad who is pretending that he is okay in boys clothes, his dad who is pretending that everything is okay.

I really hate myself.
 

One last time...

Why I drove 800 kilometers to see the beach.




( sappy stuff... )