(no subject)

 

Now that I am facing the 14 year old who pretty much knows and a demanding 21 year old daughter I am suddenly feeling quite the coward and unable to muster the courage to talk to them. I think it has a lot to do with examing how I came to understand who I am, and the possibility that I was deliberately living a lie for so many years - hell, I know for sure that I have been deceiving them for at least a year and a much as I believe that I did so out of love, I at the moment hate myself . Tears come too easily, they come as the very embodiment of deception in the form of a misguided self absolution from responsibility and guilt. Real or perceived, failing ones children is a horrible cross to nail oneself  to. My tears are selfish - my children will have their own and they will need me to be strong and stalwart if absent until they are ready to deal with me in their own way. Oh how I would like to be the coward and run, but that is a solution that places me a self exile from my children and reflective surfaces that would remind me of what I was and that which I was not. Life goes on.  I can not be a parent to the children if I am not first of all true to myself, if I am not a whole person, if I am miserable and living a terrible lie and duplicitous lives. This has to be done and I must find the strength to do it.  I know that I will be held and will be comforted by my love who understands all too well what I am facing, so why do I post this where others can read it? Simple - so that as I have learned from experiences, others may learn from mine - becuase when I admit to and face my fears I become stronger.